Please, let me fuck your mom
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
