He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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