You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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