Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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