The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
