I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
