I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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