well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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