I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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