I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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