the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
