Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
