Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
