Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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