So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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