wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm passing your future prison.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
