I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
