just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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