This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
