I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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