I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
