Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
