she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
