Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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