why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
