Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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