This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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