I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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