Im at strip club and am horny
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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