Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
