I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Mom said you looked used
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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