The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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