i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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