Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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