You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
