I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
