it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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