i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
