remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
