She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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