it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
