I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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