I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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