I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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