i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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