Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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