I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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