Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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