You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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