When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
