I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
