I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
