Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
