omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I made him laugh his dick is mine
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
