I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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