dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
