I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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