well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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