she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
