Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
