Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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