I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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