bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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