Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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